Thursday, November 10, 2011

Congratulations, You're Zombnant!

Art imitates life and sometimes, maybe even often times, life imitates art. I’m an enthusiast of zombie art and media, be it film, TV, literature, jewelry, or even zombie hippo throw pillows (it's probably better not to ask). While I enjoy zombies and stories about them, I’ve never actually had aspirations of zombification. I’m more the “survive or die trying” type. Ironic, then, that I’ve finally become what I’ve studied and enjoyed for so long; a zombie.

There are many ways to become a zombie, including nuclear radiation, voodoo ritual, nanobots, rage virus, receiving a bite from a zombie, consuming expired taco meat, and, my personal favorite, spoiled milk.

I took a different path to zombification. I got pregnant.

What? There's nothing wrong with thoroughness. Or denial.
I live in a world of women and popular culture. I've seen Hollywood's depiction of pregnancy. I know women who have been pregnant. I know women who are pregnant. I thought I was prepared (I had both a zombie plan and a baby plan. I was working on a zombie plan for babies). Now I know the truth. There is no such thing as prepared. Within 3 weeks my body turned against me, going from something that functioned more or less as I requested to…something else.

 Not quite.
There we go.
I don’t recall anyone ever mentioning how bone numbingly exhausting the mere act of gestation can be. If the Olympics had a competitive napping category, I would bring the gold home to the good ole U.S. of A, no contest. I now have a profound respect for momma elephants and their 22 month gestational period. 22. Months. Let that sink in for a moment.

So, with the 3 active brain cells I have remaining, here’s the surprising link between pregnancy and zombification in a handy-dandy chart. Spot the differences between the true walking dead and those whose hormones levels are simply making them feel that way. I’m already infected, but perhaps this information can help others create their own (doomed) preparedness plan, or at least spot the signs they or a loved one may be zombnant. 

 Zombie Characteristics:
     - Unquenchable thirst for brains
     - Eyes dull and vacant
     - Skin discolored and decaying
     - Stumbling and sluggish
     - Moaning incoherently
     - High brain functions lost
     - Limited muscle control
     - Known for gathering in shopping malls
     - Uncontrolled rage in the presence of living
        human flesh

Ways to Incapacitate:
     - Double tap
     - Aim for the head

Pregnant Characteristics:
     - Unquenchable thirst for tacos
     - Eyes dull and vacant
     - Skin more blemished than a teenage chocolate
        addict's 2 weeks before prom
     - Stumbling and sluggish
     - Moaning obscenities
     - High brain functions are lost (God help me, I
        came close to chucking at a Two and a Half 
        Men commercial)
     - Limited emotional control
     - Known for gathering in restrooms
     - Uncontrolled rage in the presence of strangers
        trying to pat my stomach
Ways to Incapacitate:
     - Double fudge ice cream. With potato chips.  
     - Aim for ankles. Seriously, if I go down I'm not
        getting back up.

Have you suffered from zombancy? Did you experience symptoms similar to the standard zombie characteristics described above, or symptoms not yet touched upon?


  1. Why yes, I've suffered from zombancy.

    The after effects still roam my home. They devour food from the refrigerator, spew dirty laundry, borrow my car, stay up all hours and have a constant need for money. Where can I connect with a group of fellow sufferers? Or join a 12 step program?

    Awesome post, by the way. You have my sympathy and congratulations.

  2. My son just turned 23. I'm pretty certain I experienced every one of those symptoms!

  3. During my first zomnancy my brain shut down completely. During one of my doctor visits my husband inquired about my lack of memory capacity and the doctor told him to get used to it because it would be permanent. Unfortunately, he was right. I haven't been the same since. I have learned to adapt, sort of. I keep a written calendar, write everything down, put alarms in my cell phone. And I still manage to forget A. Lot. of. Things. I suppose you could say I'm still mildly zombified. Part zombie? Could I be a mutant?

  4. SO TRUE! I'm lamenting my diminished mental capacity already (or would be, if I weren't too tired and queasy all the time). On the plus side, I have boobs now, I guess?

  5. LOL!!! I love it!! The most clever blog post on pregnancy...excuse me...zombnancy I've ever read! :)

  6. The pics are thrilling and the article is informative. Thank you for sharing the information.

  7. Thank you all for stopping by, ladies! I meant to comment earlier...and instead I completely forgot I even posted (*eyeroll*). See the state my brain is in? I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's suffered from zombnancy...and also very, very sorry.

    On the plus side, I really am looking forward to dressing my little one up in zombie onesies! :)

  8. And not just the ladies. Thanks to all who read, commented, or otherwise stopped by!