Friday, January 10, 2014

Undead Resolutions

New Year, new you. At least that’s the goal, right? Something about the changing of the calendar makes us want to change ourselves as well. But what if that change is a little harder to bring about? The ability to make resolutions and work towards enacting a positive change is a privileged notion. A privilege of the living.

I spend a lot of time with the undead (when writing them, at least). This got me thinking. Let’s say zombies have the cognitive ability to recognize the changing year (and, you know, let’s say zombies exist). What do zombies resolve on New Year’s Eve?

Happy Gnaw Year, everyone!

Here are my guesses for 2014 zombie resolutions:

  1. Brains! Eat more of them, but choose judiciously. Humans holed up in a McDonald’s are probably eating the food served there. Skip the trans fats and target those who’ve taken shelter in Whole Foods. 
  2. Don’t lose weight; keep all limbs firmly attached. Your excitement at seeing your goal weight on the scale will be hampered by the realization it took the loss of 2 arms and a leg to achieve it. 
  3. Exercise. A moving zombie gathers no moss. Seriously, no one wants moss growing on them. Shamble on. 
  4. Quit smoking. Smoke is a sure sign you’re on fire. That’s bad. Fall into a body of water as quickly as possible. You can’t drown, but you can melt. Remember that. 
  5. Go back to school. Schools are generally big with lots of hiding places. Chances are survivors will congregate there. The more you know. 
  6. Take a trip. Somewhere south of the frost line is ideal. You don’t want to become a zombiesickle with the first temperature dip. 
  7. Spend more time with family. Your zombie family, that is. It’s easier to hunt in packs. 
  8. Beware of low lying obstacles. Sure, you can survive any injury occurring below chin level, but do you really want to spend the rest of your existence dragging yourself along the ground because of a torn ACL? 
  9. Reduce, recycle, reuse. Today’s quick snack can become tomorrow’s BFF if you avoid eating the brain. Make all the friends you want, one bite at a time. 
  10. Avoid head shots. Learn to duck and weave, or at least shamble and fall, more effectively.
Any resolutions I forgot? Have your own additions to the list? Are you planning to borrow any of these from the undead?


  1. Grin. Avoiding head shots sounds like a plan. I don't know. If I were a zombie, I'd camp at a supermarket, mall, or drug store and play dead until the prey came looking for supplies.

  2. Go to the mall, find the makeup counter and learn effective use of pancake makeup. Camouflage is a great way to lie in wait for your next snack.

  3. Great suggestions, Mia and Cheryl! If only zombies were a bit more cognitively aware, they'd let the food come to them ;)