Thursday, January 27, 2011
13 Things Gnomes Do Not Do
Gnomes do not:
1. Dance jigs. Dancing jigs is reserved for leprechauns, and they only do it when they think it's going to get them chicks (or dudes).
2. Wear underpants. While most adult gnomes do wear clothing--especially pointy red caps--they eschew underpants as being too civilized.
3. Speak Latin. Gnomes hardly even speak in complete sentences, much less dead languages.
4. Go vegan. Gnomes are flesh-and-magic-ovores only. While sometimes they may chew rocks when their teeth need sharpening, they don't ingest them.
5. Fall for your shabby tricks. They are smarter than fairies give them credit for.
6. Get driver's licenses. Not only are there no automobiles in the Realm, but gnomes are wayyyyy too short to see over the wheel. So why subject themselves to the DMV?
7. Rent themselves out to Travelocity. That guy is a fake. Probably a leprechaun in disguise.
8. Do chores in your house in return for a bowl of milk. Although they do appreciate it when big things put out bowls of milk for cats...since they like to eat cats. So by all means, put out more milk!
9. Help you garden. Ok, this one isn't entirely true. If a gnome poops in your garden, it isn't terrible fertilizer. Not as good as horse or cow, but better than dog, cat, fairy or human.
10. Bathe. In fact, if it rains on a gnome, the gnome will make an effort to re-grime itself.
11. Swim. This isn't to say they can't swim, but since they don't like to bathe, why would they like to get in bodies of water, period?
12. Play well with others. Gnomes are not often solitary, but the only other creatures they want to be around--without eating them--are other gnomes. Other creatures are fair game.
13. Appreciate my books about them. Gnomes have had it good for a long, long time. Books like The Secrets of Gnomes and movies like Gnomeo and Juliet have fooled big things into assuming gnomes are harmless, which means the big things don't protect themselves. Now that my books are starting to spread the truth, the gnomes are finding it harder to pick off stragglers.
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