Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thirteen Things to Avoid in a Horror Flick: A Survival Guide of Sorts







Thirteen Things to Avoid in a Horror Flick: A Survival Guide

It’s Halloween again. Time for horror flicks, fright nights and scary-creature features. At the diner we’re discussing monsters, aliens and strange beings of all sorts. Flashing through my mind are scenes from movies that caused me to scream, close my eyes or laugh aloud. I’m a fan of all those hair-raising, pulse-pumping films. In many of them there seems to be a dearth of common sense. The featured characters make an error in judgment that virtually guarantees them a gory death. I watch and sometime shout advice. Of course, the characters on screen can’t hear me, but if they could, I’d pass along these cautionary comments as a sort of survival guide:

1. Don’t open the door. Any door. If you rush into a room, make sure the monsters not already in the room before you lock the door.

2. Even if you can make a teleporter, mix up a longevity potion or figure out how to make flesh invisible. Don’t experiment on yourself. Remind yourself how “The Fly” and “Hollow Man” turned out.

3. When you hear a sound, don’t investigate. Let it go.

4. Don’t split up the group. It seems to be effective only in “Scooby Doo” cartoons.

5. Don’t stand by a large window where you’re quite sure the killer/manic is stalking you and is possibly hiding in the bushes under said window.

6. Don’t enter a medical/science laboratory or walk blissfully up the garden walk to the old house where you know the monsters lurk. Remember what happened to the poor folks of Raccoon City from “Resident Evil.”

7. Don’t engage in any kind of romantic body contact when you’re in a sequel to a movie where lovers were slain: i.e: “Friday the Thirteenth.”

8. Don’t fall asleep in any of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” films.

9. Don’t invite a vampire in and/or accept his invitation. Van Helsing is poster boy for how badly things can go.

10. Don’t accept any invitation from someone you know you “done” wrong. Learn from the fate of the 10 individuals that visited in “And Then There Were None.”

11. Don’t ignore your instincts. If you’re driving and you think the monster is in your back seat. Be assured: He is! Or if you think your mate is going insane, like in “The Shining,” guess what? He/she is.

12. When a body is found near a TV, don’t turn on the set and listen to the static as they did in “White Noise.” And if there happens to be a tape in the VCR, don’t follow the example of the teenage girls from “The Ring” and play it.

13. Don’t drive your family RV through ghost towns that were once nuclear testing sites. Remember “The Hills Have Eyes.” It could happen to you.

There are lots of other “no-no’s in Scream Fests. Can you give me a hand? Please add to the Horror Flick Survival Guide. Leave your advice. Happy Viewing!



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20 comments:

  1. When a monster appears and bullets just seem to bounce off it, stop shooting!

    When you have an argument with your boyfriend in his parked car in the middle of nowhere at midnight, don't get out of the car and stomp off down the deserted road. You will never be seen again.

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  2. #3...so that's why my husband ignores me when I tell him I 'heard' something outside :)

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  3. Don't be a bitch, ever, to the virgin heroine of the movie or you will die!

    Jody W.

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  4. Fun list. I would advise against skinny dipping at night, or going to party at a cabin deep in the woods.

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  5. So, so true.
    You could add, "Don't answer the phone late at night." That's in quite a few movies where the killer lets you know how long you have to live, or if he's already in your house!

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  6. Great List.

    If the walls bleed blood and tell you to "get out" it's time to move.

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  7. Don't go into drafty basements/attics with only the light of a stubby, flickering candle to guide you. Just don't go at all.

    And ladies, when you're running through the woods away from the monster, take off the 6" heels you HAD to bring on the camping trip. You have more important things to worry about than torn hose or cutting your dainty foot.

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  8. I'm not much for scary movies but I sure love the humor! Great Advice! BTW, Thanks for stopping by. Happy T13!

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  9. Good advice. Happy TT and thanks for stopping by.

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  10. Great list! I used to be able to watch those movies, but I've become such a wuss as I've gotten older.

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  11. oh gosh, i hate horror!

    happy TT though!

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  12. a flashlight is NOT a weapon!!
    And if you think there's an ax murderer in your backyard, DO NOT go check to be sure. Assume it's him and RUN!

    Fun post!
    ~Maggie

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  13. Never NEVER be the only black person in a group of white people. No one will listen to you and you will always be the first to die.

    Oh and avoid being in British horror and sci-fi because everybody usually dies.

    Thanks for visiting my T13 #53 13 Tidbits of Wisdom Edition

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  14. Yep, you guys have some great additions to the Survival Guide. I like the one about flashlights not being weapons and the one about staying out of British horror flicks. Also blood streaming down walls is a definite hint of danger.

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  15. #3 and don't stay there either, go for safety with all the people in the group (#4). Great list; one to be heeded.

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  16. Never say "I'll be right back" because you won't.

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  17. Nightmare on Elm Street STILL freaks me out!

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  18. Happy Halloween Brenda!

    I’d like a fresh slice of pie please; the roaches on this one are stale. I was listening to your patter about horror movies to the guys around the counter, and I’d like to add my two cents worth as well. I’ve kicked around the old mansions for a while, and I’ve come up with my own list of things young women should not do when entering a horror site. I’ll share them with you, ‘cos I like you kid. Coffee.

    #1 Don’t baby-sit in cold old mansions, unless your Marilyn Munster. If the house is over 100 years old, situated on a hill and under a permanent storm cloud, don’t baby sit the cute little kids within. The tricycle riding boy with a single eyebrow is a were-child, and the pale girl in clothes from the last century really is most likely dead. All in all, they are not worth five bucks an hour.

    #2 Don’t let your boy friend talk you into a party in the above cold old mansion. It is not a frat house. Learn to tell Greek letters from Hex signs. This will stand you in good stead next time you are in Amish country, during a thunderstorm.

    #3 Learn to dial 911 on your cell phone. Pack a blanket in your car. Pack an extra gallon of gas in one of those red plastic gas cans. Pack extra flashlight batteries. Roll up your car windows and wait until the storm is over. Twinkies have a shelf life of a thousand years. Pack a few. Pee in a mayo jar. Pack an umbrella. Stay off the moors.

    #4 Walking around in the woods of said mansion is also not a good idea. You will get lost, even if you are a Girl Scout with a flash light and a compass. If you are a Girl Scout with a compass, take a reading of your location BEFORE you get lost in the woods. Even Hansel and Gretel knew how to blaze a trail.

    #5 If you do find yourself knocking on a door of said old Mansion in a thunderstorm, ask to borrow their cordless phone – don’t follow the butler into the house. If their cordless phone is out of order, say thanks and leave. If the house is in that bad a shape, and has a butler, you can bet his main job is not washing dishes.

    #6 Don’t tell strangely acting, newly met people that you are A) alone B) wealthy and C) no one knows where you are. These are all bad things to tell strangers. Come to think of it, they are bad things to tell anyone, and didn’t your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?

    #7 If you leave your warm dry car sitting in the main road to wander lost in the woods or the attic of said mansion, do not take the opportunity of being alone, to tell your beloved you slept with his best friend. Thunderstorms are not good times to confess your misdeeds. Try church on Sunday.

    #8 Don’t travel with crazy scientists, bat hunters or budding medical doctors named Frankensteen. Likewise, don’t rent from crazy scientists, bat hunters or budding medical doctors named Frankensteen. Frankenfurter is pretty dangerous too.
    #9 Don’t travel in remote parts of Transylvania in archaic horse drawn coaches. If you must visit the castle of Count Vlad Teppes, use a tour guide company and go in bright daylight hours, in midsummer, not during an eclipse. Try not to cheat “wider wimmin an’ orphans” before you go. Try not to be a virgin either.

    #10 Don’t scream. Monsters and the Un-Dead just love it when you allow them to locate your quickly beating heart by screaming ear piercing, resounding screams. They are dead after all, and don’t hear too well. Fainting doesn’t work well either. Fainting allows them all time to get to your frail squishy body and drag it down to Hell with them. Walk quickly back to your warm, dry, well sited car and get in. Lock the doors. Eat Twinkies and cover up. Orcs like squishy bodies too. (See Lord of the Rings Book III)

    #11 Cemeteries need a whole series of cautions of their own. When it comes to being in cemeteries at night the optimal word here is don’t. Don’t walk around looking for Great Aunt Matilda at midnight. She will most likely find you. Don’t clean off headstones in a thunder storm. Most likely the one you can barely read between the flashes of lightening will be yours. Don’t stand still and scream when the ground ripples under your feet. Either the graves under you will collapse and arms will pull you in, or evil old Uncle Arthur will reach out and grab you. Stay away from open graves. Try Raid, Bug-a-boo or something potent with DDT.

    #12 Full Moons are another topic needing a whole series of cautions. Full moons are bad Juju. Full moons are when change is magically imminent. Vampires run rampant, kindly, professors change into flesh eating were-critters and the undead become…well, undead. Full moons are prime times to stay out of cemeteries.

    #13 Which brings me to Zombies. Zombies are some of the above mentioned undead. Zombies move slowly. They have to, or risk loosing bits of their oldy, moldy body parts. Standing and screaming, backing up into open graves, or pinning yourself to a tree in fear is non-productive. Shut your mouth and walk quickly, don’t run out of the cemetery. Running will trip you over the ever present ancient tree roots, and most likely into said open grave. If you find yourself surrounded by Zombies, lean against the body pinning tree and stick out your foot. Zombies don’t look down.

    There you have it Kid. My 13 ways to avoid conflict with evil spirits, monsters, and animated necrotic flesh. Now, go out and have fun, and remember, If all else fails, laugh really, really loud!

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  19. Thank you Chinameli,
    Your post is great. Very funny and so helpful as we approach Halloween night!

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